By the world’s standards, I live a fairly boring life. I usually wake up early and take my dogs for a walk. The rest of my morning involves coffee, reading the newspaper, coffee, quiet time, getting ready for work and coffee. Most days, I work a typical 8-5 schedule, heading straight home to take the dogs out. If the weather’s nice, I’ll go for a ride, and if not, I ride my trainer inside. But mostly, I spend my evenings at home. I enjoy cooking, and I’ve made my apartment my happy place. Often times, I’d rather be there than anywhere else. (Hello. Boring much?)

I rarely go out, and if I do, it’s usually with friends to dinner. All of my friends know I have type 1 diabetes, many of them have a close connection to it themselves. My pump and CGM are not talking points, and if I beep, no one really notices. I bolus without much thought, and I rarely look at my CGM graph unless I’ve recently eaten or I’m hovering near the high or low alarm. Most days, I don’t even have glucose tablets in my purse because I know I will always have access to food. (In addition to the snack drawer in my desk, my company has a cafeteria and multiple vending opportunities.) My closest friends at church have a type 1 connection, so I rarely think about diabetes there either. One friend usually has glucose tabs and juice in her purse and another is on staff, and I can raid her office if need be. All of this is to say, my life is lived almost entirely in a comfort zone. I rarely worry about diabetes, I rarely think about diabetes and I rarely focus on diabetes.

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Yesterday was different though. Huntsville has a wonderful Leadership program, (read about it here) and I was recently accepted into the Connect Class 14. Our first class was yesterday, and it was at a local museum which I’d only been to twice before. (Once for a chamber of commerce dinner and once for a wedding — both of which, food was provided.) I had no idea what food would be available nor what type of access I’d have to vending machines. Plus, the class consisted of 39 people of which I only knew six and none of them terribly well. (You know you’re in the best friend category if you know where I carry my glucagon and how to use it. These people don’t meet that criteria.)

In a completely out-of-character moment though, I planned ahead. I put glucose tabs in my purse, and I threw in a juice box and a pack of crackers for good measure. During the day-long orientation, I sat with my CGM in my lap the entire time. Most days, I forget to make sure it’s three feet away. I checked it repeatedly and each time I felt nervous or the least bit shaky, I looked at it.

I never do that.

But diabetes was on the forefront of my brain all. day. long. After thinking about it later in the day, I realized I do that any time I’m out of my comfort zone. I remembered checking it repeatedly before important interviews when I worked at the paper. I remembered checking it repeatedly (and inconspicuously) on first dates. I remembered checking it constantly when I first started cycling.

Fear is an amazing thing, isn’t it? Diabetes doesn’t really scare me, at least not in the immediate time frame, but having a seizure from low blood sugar does scare me. And having a seizure in front of a room full of young professionals, in front of the mayor, in front of a first date or while riding my bike down the road does scare me. I learned so much yesterday, mostly about my community and what the next seven months hold for me. But I also learned something about myself. Apparently, I pay closer attention to my diabetes when I’m outside of my comfort zone. (It did result in an almost no-hitter though.)

The thing is, why do I worry more for certain activities than I do on a daily basis? Daily happens way more than random important events. I guess it really is fear. Fear of something bad happening. Fear of standing out. Fear of being different. Fear of being embarrassed. This is something new to work on. It’s not a bad idea to be prepared or in the know (re: planning ahead), but I let it consume me yesterday. I didn’t let my CGM out of my sight my hand. And that’s not cool. Diabetes should always be factored in and be controlled, but it should never be the factor or be in control. Yesterday, it was.

Is it too late to add this to my New Year’s list of things to work on? Anyone else do this or am I crazy all on my own here?

And in a completely unrelated note: I have a story at The War Eagle Reader today so you should check that out here. And ladies, it’s a neat story about an Auburn design grad who makes dresses from old gameday and college T-shirts. It’s definitely worth a read! You can always click the TWER button at the bottom of the site to connect or follow @wareaglereader.