I miss you. Everyday, I miss you. But today, I especially miss you. My heart is still aching and each day, I feel a longing for you I didn’t feel the day before. You were my guide and my example. Through you, I learned how to be me. So much of who I am is wrapped up in you: How I decorate my home. My desire to perfect recipes. My love of the mountains. My independence. It wasn’t until your last years I realized how much I am like you; how much I am like my mother. I still can’t believe you’re gone. Some days, it still feels like a dream.
Thank you for loving me, for spoiling me. Thank you for teaching me, for encouraging me. Thank you for believing in me, for supporting me. I am better because of you.
I decided when someone we love dies, there’s a hole in our hearts where they used to be. The hole doesn’t hurt constantly, but sometimes, things happen to make us painstakingly aware of the hole. Today, I feel the hole. Today, it’s gaping. Thanksgiving was hard, and I don’t want to have Christmas without you. I want to skip it entirely because you are my Christmas memories. It hasn’t felt like Christmas since you first got sick, but this year, it feels especially bleak.
You taught me strength and not to wallow, but today, you’ll have to forgive me. Today, I’m going to curl up under your quilt and cry because you’re not here. Today, the hole in my heart seems bigger than usual. I love you still. And I miss you terribly. Happy birthday.