I haven’t been on my bike in about two months for a host of reasons including some minor and temporary physical limitations. Once I was cleared to ride, I found a bunch of other excuses until I finally made the time. But as I started getting ready to leave my house, anxiety overwhelmed me. It started when I couldn’t decide what route to take and that spiraled into a bunch of other questions and doubts.
- I had a lot of trouble with flats throughout the winter. What if I had another repeat flat? Who was I going to call in the middle of a workday?
- What if I can’t make it up a hill?
- What if I look ridiculous (re: fat) in my gear?
- What if my body still hasn’t healed? What if it hurts?
It wasn’t long before the fear led me to doubt myself and that inner antagonist took over my thoughts.
- You don’t know the roads here. You’re going to get lost.
- You’re going to turn onto a dangerous road and get hit.
- You don’t have a group of friends who know your pace or how you ride.
- You’re too slow so you can’t join a group.
And then the worst thought of all creeped into my mind.
- Maybe you lost your love of riding. You should just give up.
It’s scary how quickly my mind can take something to the extreme. That’s what happened, and I ended up not riding. The next day, it caused me to be incredibly homesick for my friends in Alabama, for routes I knew and for my old comfort zones.
After a couple days of reflection and prayer, I knew the answer to every fear and doubt I heard that day. The answer was to ride. By riding, I’d learn new routes, make new friends and remember how much I love cycling.
So that’s what I did this week.
And it felt amazing. It was a slow ride, but it was a good ride. A co-worker was kind enough to keep a slower pace and even patient enough to wait while I corrected a low blood sugar. It was a beautiful ride. Some of those fears are still hanging around, but with each pedal turn, I feel them diminishing. Nothing beats that feeling. I can only gain confidence in my riding ability if I ride, so that’s the plan.
It looks like I’m back. And I still very much love to ride my bike.
If you feel inclined to motivate me more, visit my JDRF Ride fundraising page
I’ve missed your posts. Glad to hear ‘your voice’ again. Oh, remember, I am holding you to a Paris trip in your future. Not a great bike riding town, but a great one for walking.
Thanks, Victoria, for another great message. Fear is so powerful and often prevents us from stepping — or pedaling — out on faith. Way to break through and enjoy the ride!
The Nevada chapter is sending a team to Nashville. 😀
Believe it or not, this kind of thing happens to lots of us. A few years ago when I started riding I got wicked anxiety for reasons that I still don’t understand, and it comes and goes. Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of “What would crashing again do to my self-confidence?” and “Is the amount of time I spend riding inconveniencing other people?”
Glad to see that you’re tackling your fears. See you in Tahoe!