It seems I keep experiencing mild amounts of panic as I think about my upcoming 70.3 race, now just barely a week away. First, the “Only One Month Away” email from the race organizers sent me into a tail spin. Then it was a Facebook thread about how hard the hills are on the bike route. Next, I discovered open water swimming and all the panic that entails (See: Lake Monsters.) Now, it’s anxiety over the details of the weekend. What time to be where, detailing nutrition, figuring out how to disconnect and reconnect my pump, where to tell my friends to spectate. What about my blood sugars during my taper week? The worst thoughts include that “what if” rabbit hole.
What if my pump is too hot waiting for me at transition? What if I wear it in the water and it stops working? What if I spike from adrenaline? What if I go too low while swimming? What if I have to walk the entire run portion? What about the hills on the ride route? Am I in danger of missing the time cutoffs?
What if. What if. What if.
I know that’s a bad habit, but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to rest in this moment and chill. I don’t know how to relax and let the day be what it will be. I’m so anxious to have a great race and to enjoy these activities I love so much, I think I’m over-analyzing myself into a frenzy.
I had a mini-meltdown in the middle of a hard run last weekend. Training is one of the most humbling experiences—a reality I wasn’t prepared for when I started. You go from a workout one day where you feel like you could conquer any race to a workout the next day that brings you to your knees making you doubt all of your efforts. It’s incredible the emotional journey this has been. It’s even more amazing to realize the emotional growth you experience is nearly equal to the physical growth you experience. I think I’ve spent as much time praying through this season as I have training.
I’m so thankful for a God who renews us in ways that speak to our individual hearts while offering grace through many moments. I’m thankful for a God who has given me a desire to be active and the ability to do so. I’m thankful He has shown me how to take a busted pancreas and find the beauty in it. I’ve learned so much about myself in this process, and I have definitely grown closer to God. No matter what happens next weekend, I wouldn’t trade the growth or experience of this journey for anything. All things for His glory, and this 70.3 is no different.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come both in my athleticism and my diabetes management. (But that doesn’t mean I am working any less hard to find a cure. You can help me here.) I want to smile throughout the race and enjoy this moment, being grateful for the ability and appreciating God’s beauty around me. Working to keep that as my focus is harder than I imagined.