Here I sit with tears streaming down my face, again. This time over heartbreak. I am in love with someone who could so easily be my best friend. He’s one of the most exceptional men I have ever known. He is generous and giving. He helps strangers the same as he helps those he knows. He is the type of man who epitomizes the gospel of service. He sees a need, and he meets it. There’s no question or doubt, only action. He is funny and witty, and I get his humor. He makes me laugh when no one else can. And in those moments of darkness, his jokes bring a light.
He’s sharp in his words sometimes, and he is passionate about the things he believes. He doesn’t hesitate to share his opinion because he believes in his ability to think for himself. Unworried about what others think, he owns his thoughts and opinions… and he always has a reason for them. They’re not unfounded beliefs. He challenges me, always asking deeper questions. He makes me think about perspectives I didn’t consider before, and he expands my ability for compassion. His compassion drives him to this, and it’s one of my favorite qualities he holds.
He’s strong and sturdy. He makes me feel safe, and he makes me feel protected. There are so many things about him that fit that list I made as a young woman. And then there are all the ways he has surprised me. The things I never knew were attractive to me before I met him. He can drop the f-bomb in one sentence and then spit out the most eloquent statement about the Gospel in the next. He doesn’t fit in a mold, and I adore that about him. I wish I could be more like him in those ways. He is a perfect mixture of the things I want in a man, and he came out of nowhere.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t feel the same rush of emotions for me as I feel for him. Somehow, I managed to fall in love with a man who doesn’t love me in return. And friends, that is desperately hard. It’s crushing, and it’s defeating. Even more so when you felt like God was pointing you to this man. So here I sit, trying to figure out how I fell in love with a man who holds the ability to be my best friend and how I’m supposed to walk away from him.
It’s been a week since we’ve spoken, as he is graciously respecting my decision for space to get over him and move on. And I miss him. I feel so completely foolish for allowing my heart to get to this place. At my age and with my experience, I should know better.
Heartbreak comes in many forms, and today, mine is unrequited.