I’ve had diabetes almost 23 years. That’s twice as long as my life without it. While I was only 11, I don’t have many memories of life without it, but I wish I did. I wish I could remember life without finger sticks and needles. Those two things shouldn’t be part of anyone’s childhood memories.
I wish I could remember going to a birthday party without bringing my own diet soda. I wish I could remember starting the school year not already having had a conference with my teachers and my parents. I wish I could remember sitting through an entire school day without visiting the nurse or leaving class to check to my blood sugar.
But all of my memories have diabetes attached to them in some small way. Mom having to call ahead and talk to other moms in great detail before sleepovers. Not being allowed to drive without testing first. Not being able to eat birthday cake without testing first. Not being able to play soccer without my mom on the sidelines with my kit and a juice box.
And now, the thing I want more than any other… the ability to live life without diabetes being attached to it.
I don’t know what it’s like to look at a menu and select something based on appeal. My brain automatically calculates the carbohydrate count and counters that against my current blood sugar. Then, I make a decision. I can’t even wrap my brain around what it would be like to look at a menu and simply order food based on appeal alone.
I don’t know what it’s like to fall into bed and just close my eyes. Before I go to bed, I have a routine. I check my blood sugar and calibrate my CGM. Then I check to see how much insulin I have on board (meaning what’s still actively working in my system). I then think back to how recently I ate and then factor how many hours I plan to sleep (and be dormant). Those answers determine whether I temporarily lower my basal rate, give a small amount of insulin or do nothing. I can’t imagine crawling into bed and simply falling asleep.
I don’t know what it’s like to swim without fear. Or to bike without pockets full of supplies. Or run without a bouncing running belt. I have to plan workouts around meals and how much insulin I have in my system. I have to start the workout at a particular moment, and I have to be prepared along the way. I saw a person riding in a T-shirt the other day, and it almost made me cry. I don’t know what it’s like to ride without a jersey with pockets full of snacks. I picked a tri suit this year based on the number of pockets it featured.
I just want to go for a run. I want to lace up my sneakers and take off. No planning. No running belt with a meter and supplies. No timed insulin dosing or pre-run gameplan. I just want to run. With no strings attached. That’s all I really want.
I know there are bigger problems, but this one is what makes my heart hurt the most. I’m in what we’d call a diabetes valley at the moment. I’m struggling because I’m tired. I see people all the time running and biking and swimming, and I just want to scream. Or cry. Or both.
I don’t know where this reaction is coming from, but it’s a season of struggle. Maybe it’s because I was sick earlier this week and battling high blood sugars. Maybe it’s because I missed two workouts as a result. Maybe it’s because after 23 years, I really am just tired. Maybe it’s because for the first time in many years, I have hope of an easier life because of JDRF research. Regardless, I just want to put on my sneakers and take off on a run.