My co-worker’s wife had a beautiful baby girl at the end of last year. I’ve had tons of friends who’ve crossed over into the land of parenthood, but when you spend eight hour a day with a new parent, you learn so many things friends don’t share in a casual phone conversation.

If you know me at all, it’s no secret I want a family. In the past, when I’ve heard people share their personal and beautiful stories of finding their spouse or having babies, I smile and nod but a feeling of bitterness is usually just below the surface. I am happy for my friends and the joy in their lives, but I’m sad because I want that same type of joy. In my prayer life recently, I’ve been specific in asking for a changed heart. I don’t want to be bitter about someone else’s happy moments. It’s not fair to them or to me. I want to genuinely be excited and share in the moments.  So that’s what I’ve been praying about — feeling joy for the happy moments in other people’s lives and finding joy in my own life, however that may come.

I am busy. I work a full-time job, and I’m training for a JDRF Ride to Cure Diabetes in September. I teach first graders on Sunday mornings and eighth grade girls on Sunday nights. I volunteer with three non-profits, one of which, I’m on the board of directors. I have lunch meetings and dinner appointments. I travel out of town about once a month, and I do my best to keep up with current news and blogs. There are band concerts, going away parties and wedding showers. There are presents to be bought, gardens to be planted and impromptu dance parties with roommates to be had. I have two dogs to take care of, a yard to mow and this fabulous weather requires walks in parks. And even in my big long list of things to do, I still find time for myself, whether it’s first thing in the morning, on my lunch break or the last bit of my day.

If I had this life I so desperately want, I wouldn’t be able to do half of the stuff I do. I’d miss out on friendships and relationships, making memories that will make me smile for years to come. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have my garden, and I would definitely miss out on wine tastings and cheese shopping. Sitting back to read my favorite magazines wouldn’t be happening, nor would all the time I spend in my kitchen experimenting with new recipes.