In the past 24 months, my heart has changed in many ways. For starters, I love Jesus again. I thrive off knowing Him more and learning as much as I can about His word. I can’t get enough, and I have to hold myself back from spewing it all over the place. I am completely and totally head over heels in love with Him again, and it feels amazing. I’ve been a Christian most of my life, but I spent a decade away from Him, and to return to this glorious feeling is nothing short of amazing. I’m in awe everyday about the things He is showing me, teaching me and leading me to do.
The way I feel about work has also changed. In the past, I’ve been very career focused and what others would call “someone who lives to work.” But that has changed, too. I love my job, and I work very hard giving it my all. But there is a time to turn it off and live a life. This change has given me a new-found freedom like I’ve never had. I have pride in the work I do at the office, but I have more pride in what I do outside of those four walls. This change has dropped so much stress and completely liberated me. It’s allowed me to grow closer to God, find more time for myself and helped me focus on my volunteering opportunities in my local diabetes community. And it’s actually made the content I produce at work better as well. It’s easier to focus.
Another change in my heart, and perhaps the biggest, is how I view relationships. I always wanted to get married, but I never wanted children. During my last relationship, God changed my heart to have the desire for a family. But since that relationship has ended, He’s changed the way I viewed marriage and the family model. Marriage is biblical, and God made us purposefully to mate and procreate. Sure, there are always exceptions, and God has a plan for everyone. (If you don’t believe me, read this.) But for me, I know I’ve been called to be a wife and a mother. It’s simply not my time yet. But my wanting a family is not sinful, wrong or because of societal pressures, (which took me a while to understand. Thanks Matt Chandler.) The bible is very clear on marriage, and it’s very clear on the roles of a man and a woman. This post is not to upset or offend anyone, but I want a traditional marriage in the biblical definition. I’m happy for my friends who have found something different, but I know I’ve been called to follow a new path. I see a future full of promise and opportunity. I see Him putting specific things on my heart that have never been considered before — like ministry and adoption. I don’t yet know how this will affect my future, but I am excited to find out.
From someone who hoped to remain kid-less in place of a couple of Pulitzers on her mantle, my heart has done a complete 180. Because of my age and because of society’s stigmas, I’ve struggled with admitting what I want — or at least admitting it outside of my circle of close friends. But with this change on how I view personal relationships, I’ve also changed the way I view friendships, my online community and my diabetes management.
I have finally, whole-heartedly accepted my type 1 diabetes. I am genuinely thankful I have it, and given the chance, I would not undo my diagnosis or take back any of the 18 years I’ve lived life on synthetic insulin. I’m proud of it because of the person it has made me. It’s provided friendships, taught me strength and perseverance and helped me to find my own voice. It’s brought people into my life that needed to be there. I will eternally be grateful for the Diabetes Online Community for the support, encouragement and education it has provided. I hope I’m able to be part of this unique patient advocacy outlet for years to come.
But as much as I love the DOC, I am saddened by a few things. For one, I fear accountability is lacking. When you take a side step, when you veer off course or when you switch directions, there should be a supportive voice to call you out. Discipline and reprimand are important parts of any successful relationship, but only when given in love with the person’s best intentions in mind. When you were a child, your parents called you on the occasional crap you fed them when you weren’t doing what you were supposed to be doing. Diabetes and the online community should be no different.
If you have an A1c of 13, yes, I will encourage you and support you and help you. But I’m not going to tell you it’s OK, because it’s not. A 13 A1c is a diagnosis A1c. It’s dangerous, and it can be deadly. I will not be an enabler and tell you it’s all right. I will tell you that YOU CAN DO THIS and I will provide support and a helping hand to see you through it. I will hold you accountable for checking your blood sugar and for doing what you’re supposed to be doing in order to have a better A1c and overall health. Why? Because I love you, and I want you around in 25 years — preferably with working kidneys and both feet intact.
Diabetes is hard, and diabetes is tough. It’s unyielding and it’s often unforgiving. Burnout is inevitable, and everyone is allowed to have a moment of sadness, weakness and selfishness. But it should only be that — a moment. Because anything longer than that is harmful to you — and to me because I love you too much to see you hurt yourself.
I want the community to be more like Jess who admitted a different type of problem publicly and addressed it. It was personal and I imagine, very tough for her to share. But she put it out in the open for accountability. She continues to share the journey with us because she wants to remain accountable to herself. And bravo to others who’ve admitted difficulties and made changes to improve them. There is a fine line between encouragement and indulging, and there’s a big difference between support and enabling.
If you want someone to say “it’s OK you’re not taking care of yourself, you’ll do better next year,” then look to another blog. But if you want someone to say, “hey I’ve been there, done that and here’s what I learned.” or “How are you doing with that?” or “What can I do to help?”, then here I am. Please, please reach out.
Diabetes is mental and emotional and physical. But it doesn’t have to be carried alone. It can be shared with friends and communities who can help you better yourself. So with all the changes in my life the past two years, this is another one. I want to be an accountable part of this community. I want to be a partner, and I want to be a prayer warrior for anything you may be facing. I want to tell you “it will be OK” but I don’t want to say “it is OK” when you’re not taking care of yourself. I love you too much to do that. You have done too much for me to let you slip into bad habits regarding your own health. I love each and every single one of you. I read every post (usually a week late), but I do my best to know and understand what you’re facing. You’re not alone, so let someone reach out and help you. Be accountable for yourself.