I am single, and I struggle every day with it. It’s the one thing me and God talk about the most. Please, do not be judgmental as you read this post because it’s probably one of the most honest and painful things I’ve ever written. But I don’t think I’m alone in this struggle — actually, I know I’m not. So if my thoughts, feelings and struggles can help someone else or can show God’s mercy, then I can share my personal struggles.
I fully recognize there are tremendous issues in the world — far greater issues than my being single. But nonetheless, each person’s issues and struggles are unique to them and I will never be one to judge that. Everything is relative, and this is my life and my biggest struggle.
I am happy. I have a great job, a lovely apartment and two adoring dogs who are excited to see me each afternoon when I come home from work. I’m surrounded by amazing friends, and thanks to a newly-formed young adult Bible study at Asbury, my friendship network is expanding. I love my church, and for the most part, I love living in Huntsville. I have a great relationship with my parents, and I’m only four hours away from my family. But I am alone, and every night, it hurts.
For the past several months, my life verse has been Philippians 4:19 which basically says God will meet my needs in His time and only when He can get the glory from it. I understand that whatever lies ahead for me will be far greater than anything I could come up with on my own. I also recognize that I am the bride of Christ and His love should be enough for me. Actually, I know His love is enough, but that doesn’t mean I don’t long for an earthly love.
Marriage and love has been a journey for me. I’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way, and I’ve grown from each of them. There was a time when I didn’t want a family. I was content with a marriage and an exceptional career. Somewhere along the way, my heart changed. Now, I desire a husband and children, and I even hope to adopt. I know God changed my heart and its desires. He’s the only one capable of changing a person’s heart. But with these changes came some serious self-realization. And it was tough.
I looked at the way I loved others — guys I had dated, my family, friends in my life. How well was I loving these people? I looked at the way I’d been loved by these same people. I discovered flaws in myself that I wanted to change — the way I looked at people and the way I loved them and showed them love. I also realized the ways in which I want to be love. I want a Biblical love and a Biblical marriage. I want a husband who is in the Word daily, who prays constantly and who takes everything to the Lord.
I want a family that talks openly about Jesus and wears our faith outwardly and openly. I want to work together as a family to serve others. I want to be a missionary — however God sees fit — whether it be in Huntsville, in Nashville or in a foreign country. I want a family rooted in Christ and His love.
I have always been a hopeless romantic, I’ll grant myself that admittance. But the things I want are not unrealistic. I know they’re not because I see them in my friends’ lives and marriages. Marriage is Biblical, and it’s perfectly fine for me to have this desire. In my realization of this, I’ve found others who share my heart. Because of bloggers like Annie and ??? and ???, I’ve been able to find the courage to write this post.
So daily, I cling to scripture so I can make it to the next day. I pray earnestly for my husband and my children. I pray that He will prepare my heart for the day I meet him, and I pray He’ll prepare my heart to be a Christian mother. I pray that He continues to work in my husband’s heart so that He is ready when he meets me. I pray for guidance and for a clear knowledge when I find “the one.” I pray that our marriage will be strong and rooted in Christ so that we can face whatever comes our way.
I know God’s will for my life could very well include a future without marriage or children, but I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t think He would’ve allowed such a strong desire for family if I were meant to be alone. I trust that His timing is best, and most days, I go to bed peaceful knowing when He is ready, I will find the man I’m meant to spend my life with. But some days, like last Wednesday, I truly struggle. On those days, it’s harder than usual. On those days, marriage and relationships are everywhere, and I can’t help but wonder when it will be my turn.
What a selfish thing to think. Why not me? Why is not my turn? Why do I have to wait? Those days, where Pinterest is full of nothing but wedding gowns and blogs are sharing pregnancies and Twitter is full of engagement announcements, those days are the hardest. Those are the days I cry the most, but they are also the days I spend the most time on my knees.
A friend announced an engagement last week, and I was genuinely thrilled for him. I was so happy he found love and happy he knew quickly. He’s my age, and his fiance is 20. My first thought, though, was not something I’m proud of. I felt resentment and bitterness because she was so young and had found love early. I immediately recognized the ugliness and started praying. I thanked God that she had found my friend, who is an incredibly wonderful guy. And I thanked God that she had found love early so she would not experience these feelings. And then I prayed for my friends who walk a similar path as myself. I know several personally, and I many I’ve never met. But I prayed for all of us.
Most days, I am confident in waiting. But some days, some days I wonder when it will be my turn.
Oh Heavenly Father, I pray for your strength and your guidance during this season of my life. I pray that you will show me patience and peace as I wait for You. I know Your timing is ultimate, and I know Your plan for my life will be amazing. Lord, I pray for my heart. I pray that you will strengthen it as I trust in You. I pray for wisdom and discernment as I grow in Your word and listen to Your voice as you lead me down the roads You’ve chosen for me. I pray that my selfish desires become an afterthought and I pray that my will will merge into Your will for my life. I pray that you help me enjoy the moments in my life now so that I don’t miss out on joy because I’m focusing on sadness. Lord, as I wait, I pray for a heart to serve You so that it will grow stronger. I ask for Your hand to guide my life in whatever direction you choose, and I pray that I will accept it no matter what it is or whether I understand it. I ask you to help me fell joy and happiness in the celebrations of my friends’ lives. I pray the ugly, bitter and selfish parts of me disappear. Lord, I am lonely, and have such a tremendous desire for a family. Please, guide me through this season so that I can serve You without distraction. And please, do the same for my friends who struggle with the same fears. Help us to look to You for love and affection and recognize that Your love is enough. And Lord, please let this post impact someone. Let this prayer help someone else through a tough season. I love you, and I pray that you show me how to grow my trust in You. Amen.