I’ve heard the term “life verse” several times in the past two weeks, but for me, there’s no possible way I could pick one verse in the bible to consider my life verse. In 29 years, my life has taken many twists and turns. Even now, as I write this, the season I’m in is unlike any other I’ve experienced. Most of my life, I’ve said Proverbs 17:17 is my favorite verse. It’s simple and says “a friend loves at all times.” But it’s not my life verse.
Lately, God has been doing some amazing things in my life and in my heart. As I reacquaint myself with his word, I am continually blown away by what I’m reading and what I’m learning. Some times, it’s a quiet nod through a verse or through a sermon. Other times, it’s like a brick was thrown in my direction, landing with a loud thump directly in front of me. For starters, I completed a bible study last year called “Duty or Delight.” In a nutshell, finding time to spend with God each day is hard. We all have busy lives and lots going on. Often, that quiet time and study time becomes a duty. Through the study, I was shown how to make that time with the Lord a delight rather than a duty.
I was about four weeks into the six-week study when I began to see it — when worship and time with my Father started becoming a delight. I didn’t even realize it was happening at first. But I hit this point where all I wanted to do was read the bible. Even being raised in a Christian home, I’m not sure I’ve ever craved the word like I do right now. I can’t get enough. I read a verse in a study, then I see that same verse in action through someone around me. Or it’s a verse the pastor mentions Sunday. Or a friend brings it up in conversation. Every week, there are numerous instances of what I’m reading coming to life before me. To know him — to truly know him — you must be in the word.
As I was discovering the change in my habits, one of my pastors reminded us of how important and necessary it is to know and understand scripture. He encouraged us to read Psalm 119. It’s the longest chapter in the bible, but focuses on why reading the word is so important. While reading through the chapter, I found this verse: “For everything written in the past was written to teach us; that through the endurance and encouragement of scriptures we might have hope.” -Romans 15:4. I’m clinging to it as I read, study and memorize the word.
As my faith grows, I’ve had to face some internal demons which is never easy. There are parts of my life I’d just assume keep in a closet buried deep in my heart, but to understand God’s love for me, I had to hand those things over to him. Talk about tough. I’ve spent hours crying out to the Lord to take my sins, take my burdens and take my pride so that I may know him better. I can’t begin to tell you how amazing it feels to have that sort of freedom — to give something to someone and have them completely take it without judgment and still love you with everything they have. It’s simply amazing. Through this struggle, which is ongoing, I have been wrapped up in Psalm. I keep pouring over verses about forgiveness, redemption and being renewed.
There are so many verses I’ve focused on, but it’s a process, a journey. In Psalm 71:20, we’re told that even though we’ve seen troubles and bitterness, the Lord has the ability to pull us up from despair and restore our lives. Once I began to realize that, I struggled with his love and forgiveness of me personally. Could my sins be so big that he can’t forgive them, and even if he does, could he still love me the same? But in Isaiah 43:1, he says I am redeemed. Not this friend and that friend, but everyone — even me. “Fear not, for I have redeemed YOU; I have summoned YOU by name; YOU are mine.”
That kind of love is overwhelming. As humans, we can’t comprehend that sort of love and forgiveness. How amazing is our God? I have given it to God. I have given him my sins, and I have been delivered. Reading Psalm 34:4 solidified it for me: “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” And as I continue on the journey of forgiveness, now learning to forgive myself, I am clinging to scripture like Psalm 32:1: “Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.” Forgiveness is a tricky thing. I know, I KNOW he has forgiven me for leaving him for 10 years, for my past, for abandoning him. I KNOW it. But now, I have to learn to forgive myself for those things.
Forgiveness is not a magical thing. Because we are forgiven does not mean we don’t have to deal with the consequences of our actions. In Hebrews 12, we learn that because the Father loves us, he disciplines us, just as earthly fathers discipline their children. God wants all of us, not part of us. We must surrender ourselves to him and his will completely. When we pray for God’s will for our lives, we often think about tomorrow or the future. I know I do. But God’s will is right now. It’s in the choices we make daily. Do we honor him in all we do? Do we show love and Christ’s love to those we come in contact with? Are we stewards and disciples of his salvation? That’s his will.
I want certain things for my life, and I want them now. But I’m learning that whatever God has in store for me is what I should be wanting. In Psalm 46:10, he tells us to be still and know he is God. And in Psalm 27:14, we’re told to “be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord.” I shouldn’t be so focused on the things I want, but what God wants for me. He wants me completely. “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” -Exodus 14:14. As I continue this journey, my prayer is that I quit worrying so much about the things I want and start focusing on what God wants. As Romans 12:12 instructs, I want to be constant in prayer. Constant. Not in the shower, not before bed, but throughout the day.
The desires of my heart are known to God. If he can receive glory through the things I want, then those are the things I’ll be given. All I should be wanting right now is to know Christ, “to know the power of His resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.” -Philippians 3:10
So no more “me” because I only want him. I want his will and I want to show his love, his mercy, his grace and his redemption to everyone around me. As Galations 6:2 instructs, I will share the burdens of those around me through prayer. What kind of love must it be for him to give his life for me. And not instantly in a moment either, but painfully, brutally with much suffering. All things work together for his glory — even those things we don’t understand.
I’m beginning to see that. Even through suffering, there is glory, whether it’s immediate or years down the road, whether we see it or we’re gone when it happens. There is always glory. My prayer is that I quit worrying about the things I want because I should only want the things God wants for me. Can I be that strong? Can I give him full and complete control? It’s my prayer and my hope.