The first couple of days of this trip were really tough. I was covered in fear and doubt, and I didn’t know if I could make it. Not only was I having some serious trouble with diabetes, I had doubts and fears about everything. I felt attacked in a place deep within me I didn’t even know existed. I couldn’t breathe, and I doubted everything — especially the Lord’s faithfulness and goodness.
To truly doubt God is something I hadn’t experienced before. To be in a dark place and doubt the Lord’s goodness is terrifying. I had so many people praying for me while I was gone, and I could feel it. In those moments of despair and doubt, I could feel the arms of Jesus around me. I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in a tangible way. People have repeatedly asked me how the Lord moved on this trip, but I’m having a hard time finding the words to describe it.
When I meet others who’ve been on similar trips, they smile and offer a simple nod as if to say they get it. I expected this trip to change me, but not in the ways I feel it did. I saw the Lord move and I felt His presence. I saw the joy in those around me who believe, and I saw despair and hate in the faces of those who don’t believe. It’s overwhelming to say the least.
At church, we sing songs about the joy of the Lord and we memorize scripture about finding joy in Christ. But being able to see the difference in people in real life was drastically different and life-changing. Throughout much of this country, there’s a church within walking distance. In my town, there’s a 5-mile stretch and off the top of my head, I can name at least 10 churches on it alone. But in this place, people fight for their ability to pray and to worship. It’s not given freely, and there’s not a church on every corner. The joy of the Lord is palpable and it’s refreshing. It renewed my spirit in ways I couldn’t have imagined. And that’s my prayer for you — that you will be able to see the glory of the Lord around you, that you’ll experience a freshness in a new way.
This is the last of five posts regarding my trip overseas. You can also read about the scare, the food, the beauty and the people. Thanks for tuning it.