Finally

The other day, I heard a song on my Pandora radio. It wasn’t just any song — it was “our song.” Most couples have one and it represents the way you feel toward one another. Well ours was a fantastic song… one of my overall favorite songs even before it became “ours.” For the last several months, every time I heard this particular song, it hurt. I’d get weepy and tearful, and my mind often flooded with memories of a lost relationship and friendship. I’d fill with emotion and have to change the station.

But the other day, the song shuffled through on my Pandora station, and I started singing along and smiling. I was about halfway through the song when I realized what was happening. I was enjoying “our song” as a song again — before it was labeled. I didn’t get all messed up inside. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel sad for what was gone. I just sang along, happily, and enjoyed one of my favorite songs without an inundation of memories and emotions. Finally.

The thing with broken hearts is — they don’t usually heal quickly. And sometimes, more than a Bandaid is needed. There’s no manual for getting over someone, and there’s no guidebook for how long it should take. Even when the break-up is mutual, and you both know it’s best, it still hurts.

Several months ago, a friend and I prayed together about this very subject. I was trying to give the situation over to God which was proving more difficult than I originally thought.

By giving my broken heart over to God, I was giving Him my future too. I was handing over control, which I think is one of the hardest parts of having faith and trusting God. I wanted to give it to Him, but what if I didn’t like His choices. What if, by giving Him my future, I would end up alone? What if His will for my life was to be single and to make an impact on the world another way? Was I truly OK with that? Could I handle it?

Turns out, I am OK with that and I can handle it. If we’re being honest here, (and I can’t believe I’m being this honest), one of my, if not the, biggest fear I have is being alone. I want a family more than anything. I want a loving, Christian man with the same family values as me. I want a Godly man who loves his Father more than me, but puts me above all other earthly things. As I get older, I’m scared, no, terrified I won’t find that. So when I realized by giving my current heartache and my future to God, I was telling Him I was fine with whatever He has in store for me. I was handing over control. Huge. Pill. To. Swallow.

But the other day, when “our song” came on, I realized not only had I truly given it all to God, he had taken it from me. It was such a glorious feeling. The night I prayed with my friend, she shared Isaiah 61 with me. The passage talks about rebuilding Zion after it had been destroyed. God didn’t just tell the people to rebuild it, He told them to rebuild it from the ruins. If they trusted in Him, He would help them take the broken and repair it to its former glory. That’s what God desired to do with me — take my broken shell and repair like new if I’d only trust Him.

I am in an incredible place right now. I have been renewed. Not long after my struggle with control began, my bible study (Duty or Delight by Tammie Head) focused on relationships — how we are built for them and intended to love. We aren’t made to be alone. I began to realize my future wouldn’t be spent alone. And a few weeks after that study, the same subject and verses came up while watching an interview with a musician online. He was talking about where the inspiration came from regarding one if his songs. He was reiterating what my bible study had said about relationships, being alone and the future. Twice, in a short span of time, I’d heard the same thing and been reminded of my future in Him.

I have a peace about what’s coming. I still want certain things, and I’ve asked for them. God knows the desires of my heart. But if my desires aren’t in His plan, then I’m perfectly fine with that because I know what He has in store for me will be far better than anything I can imagine.

God doesn’t want part of us; He wants all of us. And that’s what I have given Him. I am no longer obsessed with what happens next. I’m no longer worried about finding someone to love because I know it will happen when God is ready and thinks I am ready , too. Sure, I hope it’s sooner rather than later, but I don’t have a fear of being alone anymore because I’m not. The peace God has given me is overwhelming. I am so excited for the future, and I can’t wait to see what is next.

Even the small things, like hearing that song, can be powerful. Praise God, I have been renewed. I only wish for my friends, all of you, to feel this way about whatever it is you struggle with letting go of. When you do, you will finally find peace and joy, I promise.

*This blog is one of the more personal ones I’ve written. While I’m incredibly open online, my personal life involving love, family and friendships, is something I keep to myself. I felt called to share this for a couple of reasons. For one, I want to give God all the glory for taking my heart and making it new. And two, we all struggle with something and resist turning it over completely. Whether it’s a relationship, our job or a tough decision we have to make, everyone struggles. So I share this personal story to encourage you to hand it over. Whatever it is, give it to Him. You’ll be amazed at what happens next, I promise.