When I don’t understand

When I don’t understand, I will trust You.

For eight months, I’ve felt a call to a specific place — this place I was headed last Friday. Throughout these months of prayer and preparation, I journaled each time I felt God confirm the call. When I got on the first of four planes Friday morning, I had no doubt I was walking in His will. I was following Him, and I was trusting Him. When my team landed in our second airport, we received word from our church that we weren’t to continue. We were to turn around and come back home.

The place where we planned to go experienced a great amount of unrest the night before, and in talking with our mission partners in that place, our pastors sat down together and prayed. They felt the Lord calling us home. So with breaking and heavy hearts, we turned around and headed home. I still saw four planes Friday, just not the four I imagined when the day started.

I cried and I mourned after agreeing to head home. My tears were heavy in the airport when I talked to my mom on the phone. As she spoke wisdom and prayed for protection, we both felt like that’s the answered prayer we received. I questioned God and asked many times “why?” Why call me to a place and prepare me for eight months only to have me wait longer? Why give me such a heart for a ministry and a people, only to not have me go? Why put my heart in a place and not allow me to physically be there?

“Blessed are those who hear the word of the Lord and obey it.” Luke 11:28

I am such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I am grateful because I have prayed for protection as have so many of you. I believe that’s what I received. But I am sad, even heartbroken, that I’m not yet in this place where I have been called. So this weekend, I hid in seclusion, clinging to His word and calling out to Him.

I know God is sovereign. Sometimes, He shows us that sovereignty and we get a reason why. But so many times, we don’t. And I have to trust Him in either scenario. I have a desire to trust Him. Even when things don’t make sense to us, we trust because that’s what we are called to do.

“But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. We have confidence in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we command. May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3-5

He has never failed me. He has never led me astray or brought me to a valley without bringing me out. He is my deliverer, and He is faithful. God is good. All the time, God is good.

I’ve spent much time on my knees this weekend, and for that time, I am thankful. This place is still in my heart, and as long as I am drawn to these people, I will plan to go. I wasn’t meant to be there Friday or this week. But I am hopeful to go when the timing is right. When God’s timing is right.

As I answered this call many months ago, I surrendered my life to Him. For His will and not my own. So I will wait. I will call upon the name of the Lord, and I will wait. Patiently. I will trust in His plan and His sovereignty.

“What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts, no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept My word and have not denied My name.” Revelation 3:7-8

So while I am sad I’m not making this journey now, I see God’s majesty in this. From getting the last two seats on a plane back home, to our luggage making it to Huntsville, to sweet friends ready to rescue us in Minnesota. I see His protection and His mercy. His sovereignty and His majesty.

Thank you friends, for praying for this journey and this call on my heart. Thank you for praying for me and my life, and thank you for praying for protection over my life. Our prayers were answered — though vastly different from what I’d hoped — they were answered. Because God is faithful. Even when I don’t understand, I will trust You God. I will choose to love You God.

Though you don’t the location, please continue to pray. Pray for this country and this ministry with which my church partners. Pray for peace and for guidance, safety and protection.