So I have diabetes. And most days, it doesn’t bother me. But like any other person, I have moments when my morale falls, my heart sinks and tears fall. Last night was one of those nights. A friend and MoD sent me a link to a blog I read regularly. I missed this post, however, and I’m glad I did. I needed to read this at night so I could sleep it off and not let it ruin my day. Somehow, it’s creeped its way in nonetheless.
I’m hearing several hats these days, and diabetes is one of them. But this post really affected me for several reasons. The post’s writer, Kerri Sparling, offered a judgement-free wall for diabetics to anonymously post their fears, frustrations, guilts and vices of living life with diabetes.
The minute I read Kerri’s title and saw her photo, I knew exactly where this was headed… for a sobfest that rivaled the first time I watched “The Notebook.” (OK, or the second, or third or fourth time). Regardless, I couldn’t stop reading. I read every single comment with eyes welling up with each passing post and tears falling heavier until I had to wipe them away to keep reading.
I sat on my couch in the dark and thought of my deepest darkest diabetes thoughts. I remembered choices I’d made in the past that could’ve turned out much more dangerously. I thought about the times I’d dismissed diabetes to friends and the times I’d lied about A1cs to people and monitor readings I’d fudged to my mom. I even realized I shared some of the same fears as the anonymous posters. My biggest fears in fact.
Above all else, my biggest fear is children. I am scared to have them, but I desparately want them. I’m scared of how my body will handle a pregnancy, and I fear the potential disappointment in trying to one day conceive.
And worst of all, I fear my children will have diabetes.
I don’t think I have what it takes to watch my child go through the things I have. I don’t think I could watch them suffer and no pain at such a young age. I don’t think I could bear the heartache of pricking their fingers or giving them shots or telling them they can’t have a cupcake right now because of their high bloodsugar. But then I feel selfish and guilty for these thoughts because I watch inspirational children every single day live life with type 1 diabetes. In fact, some of my closest friends are MoDs.
But my other fear is love. I am scared I will not meet someone who can shoulder the responsibility diabetes brings with it. I believe I’ve overcome that fear with the person I love wholeheartedly, but I still have a certain amount of fear that one day, it will be too much and he will leave. It’s not a fair fear, but it’s an honest one. And last night, crying alone in the dark, I realized I’m not the only one who shares that fear. Diabetes is a lot for one person to handle. I believe it can be even more to handle when it’s someone you love, like a child or a spouse. There are uncertainties like whether I’ll have children or whether they will bear my health imperfections.
But then there’s life beyond children. There’s the potential for complications and the potential for more heartache. I didn’t cause this to happen to me, and I can’t make it go away. I can only do the best I can do to manage my diabetes while still having an enjoyable quality of life. But there are some things that are out of my hands, and whether I’ll bear children and find a husband who isn’t scared or intimidated happens to be two of them.
I was recently reminded of how lucky I am despite my shared fears from Kerri’s post. In the middle of a low, my boyfriend stood next to me and fed me Gatorade, peanut butter and crackers. All I had to do was sit there and eat and drink. In fact, he even got me a chair when I said my legs were weak. I believe he has what it takes. So far, he’s been incredible. But that doesn’t necessarily make my fears any less justified or real. I was reminded of that yesterday.
So what are your fears? What are your admissions? Please share, and as always, you’re not alone in the DOC.